I Said Stop Being A Tomboy

As a child, were you ever told to stop being a Tomboy?

OK, if you’re a man, chances are you weren’t; however if you’re a woman, perhaps, like me, you were.

Merriam Webster Dictionary defines a Tomboy as “a girl who behaves in a manner usually considered boyish” and the Cambridge Dictionary defines a Tomboy as “a girl who acts and dresses like a boy, liking noisy, physical activities, esp. in playing physical games that boys usually play”.

I was often told to be more ladylike. Apparently, I was not a very girl-like girl, whatever that was supposed to be.

I took steps that were too large, “Stop walking like a boy!”

I liked to wear jeans and pants, “Wear dresses like pretty little girls do!”

I liked to play in the mud and build things and hang upside down on the gymset at the playground … and so many other things that apparently only boys were supposed to enjoy.

Now, granted, I grew up in the ’60s and ’70s, so things were a bit different back then, but the same types of judgments are still levied upon children now as to the way they should behave and how they should grow up.

What does that create for them?

For me, often it created resentment, especially in wearing pants when girls were supposed to only wear dresses to school. We were allowed to wear pants if it was really cold (usually under 20 degrees), but even then we were supposed to wear a dress over them! I was SO COLD for years!!!

Finally, when I was in 6th grade girls were allowed to wear pants, not jeans, but at least long pants. In 7th grade they finally allowed us to wear jeans.

And even for my high school graduation, the girls were supposed to wear dresses under threat of not being allowed to graduate. I showed up for graduation ceremony wearing pants. They let me graduate anyway (perhaps being salutatorian helped, I don’t know).

All those other comments on the way I walked and played did hurt. I just wanted to have fun!

Trying to “walk like a lady” was uncomfortable!

Giving up games that I liked simply because they weren’t ladylike enough was mean (I can hear my little girl-self saying that!)

And all of that judgment made me think that I wasn’t good enough, at least not in those parts of my life. Oh, I excelled intellectually, but socially I was wrong.

Then, on top of that, a few of my teachers told me that if I kept showing people up intellectually, no one would like me! They told me to tone down, turn it down!

Now even being smart was bad! What was I supposed to do?

Luckily I decided to NOT stop being smart. Oh, I stopped answering a lot of the questions in class; I frequently waited to see if anyone else would raise their hand first, then I would raise mine too – apparently, that was acceptable because I got no teacher complaints on that one. If no one raised their hands, then I would raise mine and apparently THAT was acceptable too since, again, no complaints.

Being smart got me where I am today. Where would I be had to toned-down my intelligence and the pursuit of knowledge? Such a strange request from a teacher!

So, what’s my point in all this?

It took me years to step out of that. Even now, I occasionally hold back giving input on things unless I feel that what has been said so far on it is truly lacking, THEN I will add my comments.

I still sometimes don’t step into the spotlight unless I have encouragement or unless I psych myself up for it.

I continue changing that. I am speaking more in front of groups, offering comments in meetings and gatherings, stepping out and stepping up more!
I have done lots of release work on all of this and it has shifted, but it took work.

Now, even though this has been about me, it’s also about you. I am not asking for sympathy or making excuses or accusations. My purpose is to ask that when you make comments to people, especially children, consider what those comments are creating in their world. Are you really encouraging them, helping them, contributing to their development, or are you merely criticizing?

Even when you believe you are encouraging, helping and contributing, are your words actually doing that or should you rephrase your comments?

Ask what you would truly like to be to that child/person before you speak. It can make a huge difference in their lives.

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